The Girls are 1!!!!!

Today marks a huge milestone... The girls turned 1... Here's the picture of the day...

I’ve been working on this post for a while, mostly in my head, so now it’s time to put it down on paper (or computer J)… I get really emotional when I think about the girls turning 1. It’s such a mixture of emotions that honestly it’s hard to put into words. I think about the past year and I have feelings of happiness, love, accomplishment, astonishment, admiration, gratefulness, nervousness and guilt. Let me explain…

I feel happiness because we have three beautiful miracles in our life. I can honestly say that I don’t know what life would be like without them and have to remind myself on occasion that they weren’t part of the master plan (whatever that may have been)… There’s a reason that we had spontaneous triplets, I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but I’m happy that we have these angels in our lives.

I feel an indescribable love for them… They are happy, health little girls that I want to protect until the end of time… They say mothers of sons can be challenging because they don’t want to let go of their baby boys to another woman. I’m not sure I’ll be that way with Declan (probably), but I know I’ll be over-protective of our girls. I just feel like they have been through so much and have so much life to live that I don’t want them to feel any pain or sadness, ever. I never knew I could love the way that I love our children…

I feel accomplishment in what Andy and I have done this past year… People say parenthood is one of the most ungrateful jobs (in the sense that you don’t get a bonus, or pay increases or a pat on the back from your boss), but I want to give us a huge high five for what we have done. Although it wasn’t in the “plan” for us to move away from our family and friends and soon after have triplets, I feel like we’ve done a pretty darn good job.  We may not be winning parents of the year anytime soon, but I think we could come in towards the top percentile J.  We’ve got a lot of years in front of us and I’m certain a lot of ups and downs, but the fact that we’ve been able to live through their birth at 26 weeks, 102 days of NICU, various challenges of three infants, virtually no sleep, Andy being home with them every day, me being able to continue with my career, while doing it all with some help from our family; I feel like we’ve just won the gold medal after doing a double back handspring on the balance beam…

I’m astonished by them every single day… I’ve heard people say that when you raise a child the days drag on and the years fly by… With multiples I feel like it’s multiplied. I’m astonished at how strong these little girls are and what they are doing. I know they are a year and they aren’t doing a lot of the things that “normal” 1 year olds are doing, but the fact that 2 of them are crawling, pulling themselves up and all are on the cusp of saying their first words is astonishing… What’s more astonishing is that they are healthy (little) girls. I know we have a long ways to go to know if their prematurity will actually affect them, but if you didn’t know they were 1, you would think they are just really advanced 6 or 9 month olds, based on their size. Although I feel accomplished in what we have been able to do as parents, I am astonished and amazed at what they do every single day. It’s the most humbling experience to be their mom…

I have admiration for Andy and Declan. I admire Andy for who he is and what he has sacrificed to take care of these girls’ day in and day out. I admire him for his strength and positivity. I admire him for supporting me in my career. I admire him for being my rock. I admire him for being the father that he is. I admire Declan for how he has dealt with going from being an only child to having three baby sisters. I admire him for the eternal love that he has for his sisters. I admire him for dealing (not always peacefully) with not being the center of attention. I admire him for the brother he is and is going to be.

I am grateful for everyone that has helped us over this past year, from my sister moving here to help, to our parents visiting often to lend helping hands, to the amazing nurses and doctors that the girls had their first 3 months of life. I am grateful for the thoughts, prayers and positive thoughts that I felt every single day that the girls were in NICU. I am grateful that we were able to bring our three beautiful girls home from the hospital. At least once a week I hear about multiples that didn’t make it or 1 or 2 that did. I could not imagine the pain of going through something like that and I am grateful that we didn’t have to. I am grateful that the girls are healthy.

I am nervous about what the future holds. Anxious might be a better word. I know I can’t control what the future brings, but the pessimist in me (which still exists after being married to the most positive man on earth for the past 10 years) keeps thinking about when the shoe is going to drop. I feel like we’ve been so lucky so far and I’m nervous about whether or not our luck will continue. Andy likely disagrees with my feelings on this completely, because he believes in the power of positive thinking, but its still how I feel. When or will we see the effects of the prematurity on the girls, will they ever catch up developmentally or in size, will they have any behavioral or learning disabilities. I know people have these fears for any child, but with what the girls went through I can’t help but feel anxious about what’s to come.

I feel guilty about how early they came… I’ve been able to put this in the back of my mind and not think about it too often, but it stings when I see and hear about other multiple moms carrying their babies until 34 weeks, or even 29 weeks. I feel a stab every time someone asks me how old they are and I tell them they are “almost a year” and there is a look on their face to which I quickly say “well they were born really early, so they are small.” I feel hurt when people say that I “only” carried them 26 weeks so that’s why I didn’t get “huge” (news flash, I was huge). I feel guilty that I can’t be with them 24/7 and am constantly conflicted with having a career and being the best mom that I can be to them and Declan.  I know deep down that there was nothing that I could have done differently that could have kept them cooking longer, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about it.

I’m certain there are many, many more adjectives that I could use about the feelings that I have had over this past year and how I feel now. But one thing I do know is that every year at this time, I will be emotional about how far our little miracles have come. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done, but I couldn’t imagine not doing it… I love you Bria, Aven and Stevie, Happy Birthday…